When Others Tell You Your Grief Is “Too Much”
The hidden message underneath their judgments… and what to do about it
I once worked with a client I’ll call Madison who was grieving the death of her daughter. She was reeling emotionally, and the pain of her loss was made worse by members of her church and her workplace, who’d seemingly gone out of their way to let her know that her grief was unwelcome. Her sadness, her focus on her daughter’s death, and her interest in talking about loss were “too much” for these people and institutions, and Madison felt isolated inside of her grief. On top of that, she believed she was grieving wrong or excessively because places and people that used to feel safe no longer felt that way.
This happens to so many grievers after loss, myself included. Friend groups, family members, religious organizations, volunteer groups, and coworkers pull away because we are “too sad,” “too dark,” “too negative,” “too emotional,” “too unreliable,” or “too [insert your own here].” Outside forces—spaces we used to call home, people we used to belong to—in so many words tell us that grief has made it so that we no longer fit with them. We are emotionally, energetically, and sometimes even physically ousted from circles that were meaningful touchstones to us in life before loss.
