Member-only story
Sex After Loss
Why some people have it… and some people don’t.
I was 21 when my mom died. A senior in college, an honors student, and yes, a sexually active young woman. I was dating a woman at the time and when my mom died, my girlfriend and I were just two months past our one year anniversary. We were in love and committed to each other. But after my mom’s sudden decline and death, that changed.
I feel like I remember having sex after my mom’s memorial — but grief brain still makes me question that. As weeks passed, my girlfriend and I grew further and further apart, not knowing how to address the sudden emotional chasm that had opened between us. We saw each other a few more times before we finally broke up, unable to connect through my heartache and her inability to help me. Did we have sex then? I’m not sure.
What I do remember — in whirling bits and pieces — is flinging myself headlong into a variety of sexual experiences after that breakup. I felt it then as a newly grieving, anxious, distressed, overwhelmingly lonely girl looking for somewhere to put her aching spirit. I see my 21-year-old self now as a newly grieving girl — carrying a variety of emotions — silently driven by the longing she’d lost: “Find home. Find home. Find home.”
Sex was a place I put much of my energy post-loss.
People forget (or maybe choose to ignore) the reality that grief affects all areas of our lives, including sex. And having sexual intimacy change, stop, or start as a result of a loss is totally normal.
Recently, one of my Patreon supporters wrote me and asked me to address the topic of sex on the podcast. She recognized that after her dad’s death, she didn’t have much interest or desire in sex with her husband. She wanted to know if that was normal — as well as what research exists out there regarding sex and grief.
It amazes me that sex doesn’t come up more often when we’re talking about grief.
Maybe it’s the taboo nature of sex. Maybe it’s the taboo nature of grief. Maybe it’s the taboo nature of putting sex and grief together…
